Thoughts

Thoughts- 2-11-20- Happy Birthday

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Thank you all for the birthday wishes.  It has been a while.  I haven’t put anything out there for a while now.  Mainly because my thoughts have not been finished.  I would usually write when I had come to some kind of peace with my world.  An Idea, a quote, or something that I could believe that would help explain the world that I have been living in.  For almost two years I have been searching for those answers.  They seems to be coming in pretty slow, but mostly they keep changing.  I keep digging deeper, questioning harder, not only the world around me, but mostly my thoughts about it.

Grief is a nasty beast and I have been doing it for a long time.  Some people don’t really understand that my grief started almost 9 years ago.  I started the grieving process Oct 11, 2011.  That was the day she was diagnosed.  No matter the outcome my life was changed forever.  That day our family lost its innocents.  We were thrust into a world that was filled with fear, pain, and ultimately loss.  For me is was a slow process of losing everything that mattered.  What does that even mean really?  For me it was the loss of my family, what a home really is, my community, and ultimately my identity.  Somewhere in the mix of all of that I lost who I was.  Most of what is written in these pages of thedailyemotional is that journey.  My words are my thoughts on that journey.  who am I?  I’m not really sure yet.  That journey is not finished.  The last year and a half has been the hardest of my life.  For a thousand and some days I wake up every morning and have to make the decision to fight for my life.  The one I want to live.  I have to fight to be the person I want to be.  I would like to say that I came out of all of this unscathed, stronger, and a better person.  I didn’t though.  I came out lost, hurting, grasping for answers to questions that simply cannot be answered, living in a world that cannot understand my thoughts and feelings.  Its not the worlds fault though.  We all have our own life experiences and we tend to see other peoples lives through our lens, not theirs.  Somedays it gets pretty lonely.

There is really only a small handful of people that know the truth of my story for the last year and half, and only one that knows the whole story.  It is not a pretty story, like I said above, grief is a nasty beast.  It’s interesting though that the one person who knows my whole story, who has seen my at my worst, is also the one who believes in me the most.  Her belief and her grace has given me the opportunity to find the help I have needed.  She has been by my side through this valley of hell.  Pushing me, dragging me, and sometimes carrying me when I didn’t think I could go on.  She truly is my gift.  Not because I have lived life perfect, but because I am broken.  She was sent to help me heal.

I want to leave you with a few things that I have learned through all of this.  The first is that there is no courage in destruction.  We try to destroy things, people, and ideas out of  fear, anger and guilt.  It easy easy to destroy.  Courage is found in love.  It takes courage to say I will not destroy you,  It takes courage to say I love you.  We give medals for it.  Being courageous is not what we do for ourselves.  It is about what we give up for those that we are helping.   We find courage in our love and ultimately show it in our service of that love.  We jump on a grenade, run into a burning building, or for most of us it is in much smaller ways.  But in doing those things, we are courageous, not out of fear, anger, or guilt, but because we love.  Be courageous in your love for everyone you meet.

The two most important words in language are love and believe.  They are life changing.  For most of us they are also the two hardest words to say.  Saying them is one thing, believing 100% in what we are saying is altogether different.  It requires being vulnerable.  Believing in someone tells our brain that our neck is exposed and there is a chance that it will get cut.  We ask ourselves a thousand questions and find a million answers about how we could be hurt by our love, or our believing in someone.  Do it anyway.  All it takes is that one reason to believe. Find your courage and tell someone you love them, tell them that you believe in them.  Being courageous is hard, being courageous is about knowing the consequences but jumping anyway.  That is where the magic happens though.  That is where you help someone change their life.  I believe in you even though I know that I can get hurt.  I believe in you for no other reason than I love you.

I have been hurt a thousand times and will be hurt a thousand more, but someone out there needs to hear this.  I believe in all of you.  I believe in who you are and what you are capable of.  I have no other motive and no other expectation.  I am here to serve you.  Not because I have to or will get something in return, I WILL believe in you because I love you.

 

Thoughts

Thoughts-7-15-18

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I have seen birth, I have seen death 
lived to see a lovers final breath 
do you see my guilt, should I feel fine
is the fire of hesitation burning bright
and if you want to, talk about it once again
on you I depend
I'll cry, on your shoulder, your a friend
James Blunt "Cry"

I haven’t written in quite a while.  I think the biggest reason is that I did not want to write about sadness.  Sadness sucks, no one wants to hear about it.  We all have enough of that, you don’t need to hear mine.  So for a couple of months I have been consuming it.  I like the word consuming.  I am not dealing with it. I am not ignoring it.  I am consuming it.  Which for me means, feeling it, touching it, holding it, seeing it, and tasting it.  I am not letting my grief consume me.  I am consuming it.  If I am sad, I cry.  If I am sad, I let it go to my core and I feel it.  I take it all in.  I find that there is gratitude there.  If I can feel this much sadness then I know it was all worth it.  Twenty two years of my life was not a waste because I lost her.  Those twenty-two years were a blessing in my life.  They are who I am.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.  In the quiet of the darkness, when no one is around, I wonder if I can take it, but I do, I find my gratitude and I hold onto it.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
James Blunt "Goodbye my lover"

In the last couple of months I have had the opportunity to attend two wedding.  To be totally honest they were probably the second and third hardest days of my life.  Not the worst, but the hardest.  Wedding are all about hope, happiness and love.  If you pay attention, you will also feel them even if your not the ones getting married.  These special couples that let me attend will never know how special those days will be to me.  I felt it.  I felt it all.  I could feel the hope as they touched hands,  I could see the happiness in their eyes, and I let their love radiate around me, and hold me for a minute.  The hard part for me was the vows.  It was the closing of the circle.  When we got married I don’t think I fully understood.  We say them never expecting to execute them until we are old.   In sickness and health means that we bring each other chicken noodle soup when we are sick, and well,  we just don’t understand, “until death to us part.”  My hope is that no one would ever have to understand what that means, but for me it hit me like a tone of bricks.  In that moment I understood.  I had completed my circle.  It crushed me with sadness, but in the same instant I had some sense of accomplishment.  Which might seem weird to some, but in that moment It made every sacrifice, tear, and every moment of our married life even better.  A vow is simply just a bunch of words together.  Fulfilling a vow is so much more.  So much more that I cant even find the words to explain what “Till death do us part” really means.

When everything you know
Starts to let you down
And your world starts spinning round
I'll be the place where you can sleep
Cause in my heart you'll always be
More than a friend
More than time well spent
You show me who I'm supposed to be
And that makes you deserving

As long as I breathe
As long as I need
As long as I'm me
Oh, I belong to you
As long as I'm free
And as far as I see
If my heart still beats
Oh, then it beats for you

Just because you're gone
Doesn't mean that I've moved on
I still love you just the same
I still crumble at your name
Because the love you make me feel
Is the only thing that's real
And I need you to be alright
Brett Young "Your to Hold"

So what now?  I don’t know.  I haven’t seen the playbook for when your spouse passes away.  I’m not sure I would read it even if I did find it.  I suppose I rationalize my actions just like everyone else does.  We try and find reasons why we should do something or not do something.  We try and find answers that just aren’t there.  I try and help my kids understand even though I don’t understand myself.  We seem to be wondering down a path not really knowing what direction to go.  Trying to figure out what we are supposed to be doing.  Where we are supposed to be going.  How we are supposed to be feeling, sometimes caught between what our own expectations are compounded with what we feel are the expectations of others.  Lost is the best word I can come up with.

I keep telling myself that I didn’t ask for this, but here we are, and there is nothing that we can do to change it.  We are not different.  We are just like everyone else.  We are just trying to live our lives to the best of our abilities.  Just like everyone else we are trying to figure out how to make the best, or at least cope with what life has thrown at us.  I have to believe that on April 11, my love and my ability to love did not die too.  I have to believe that I still have a lot of love to give.  I have to believe that I have a lot of love to give not in spite of Tammy, but because of her.  It is my choice whether I keep that love for myself or decide to make it bigger.  I choose to love my kids more because I know that I also have Tammy’s love inside of me.  If I choose to love other people though out my life I will do it better because I have Tammy’s love inside of me too.  Love is not a zero sum game.  I don’t have anyone to be mad at or hate because of how they treated me.  I just have love.  Love for what I know is possible in love.  Love for the people in my life.  Love for all of you out that have helped us, been there for us and continue to be there for us.  I also have a need to give it away.  I want others to know what it feels like to be loved.  There are people out there that don’t know what it feels like to love with out condition.  I want to teach them.

A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend that has went through some very tough and life altering times the last several months and after talking with them for a while about how life has changed how they think I told them that they just needed to follow their smile and see where it takes them.  I went on about my day and that evening as I was thinking about our conversation, I realized that maybe that advice was not just meant for them.  Right now I am not trying to live in the past, or really look that far in the future.  I am trying to live right in front of me.  For a dreamer like me that is a challenge.  So for now I am going to take my own advice.  I am going to try and follow my smile.  If it is in front of me and I am smiling, then I am going to follow it.  Where that leads I really have no clue, but what ever happens I will lead with our love, mine and  Tammy’s together, and it will be so much bigger because I do.

Thoughts

Thoughts-4-22-18

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The Road

I’m walking down this road, there seems no end in sight.  Everywhere I turn I find you on mind.  Nothing I can do will keep me here with you.  Things are moving so fast I can feel you slipping through.  Where you are now I have no clue.  Wish I could find the words to sit down and talk to you.  Sometimes it feels like I’m running in circles.  Things I see make no sense to me.
The man I was, the man I wish to be.  Is he gone, or is he me.

Twenty-six, that  is how many years ago me and Sonny sat around our dorm room writing the above words to the song “Is He Me.”  Tanner has been wanting me to write down the lyrics for him because he want to learn it.  Friday night I pulled out the guitar and somehow remembered the cords and the words just came to me.  We were doing other things at the time and I didn’t think about it much and just went along doing stuff.  I didn’t really listen to myself.  I just spit them out.  So fast forward a day or two.  My thoughts turned back to the song and I decided I needed to hear the song in my head again.  I needed to listen and hear what the song was telling me.  If you want to see the rest of the words or hear the song it is on my blog.  Who knew.  What energy could possibly have transcended time and found the exact words of how I feel twenty-six years later.  Lost in a different battle trying to find who is looking back at me in the mirror.

I was Casey.  I had one single purpose in my life.  It was very simple,  to love her and to love my kids.  I had narrowed my life down to them.  Nothing else mattered.  Giving up everything for someone you love is easy.  Now, everything is in some grey area.  I am lost between who I want to be and what is.  Case and point, my wedding ring.  I have worn it every day for almost twenty-two

years.  It is a part of me.  I have a calloused indention in my finger.  I don’t want to really take it off.  It’s grey,  I don’t know if i am married or not.   I have come to the conclusion that there are a thousand places or books you can learn or read on how to build your life.  No one ever talks about how to take apart everything you have ever wanted.

Providence has a way focusing our thoughts and intentions and so this week has had the saddest day of my life and one of the happiest.  I was redirected to softball games and then Friday night Tanner was able to sing his songs for the first time in front of an audience.  I had a peacefulness in me about it. I knew he was nervous, but I had no doubt.  He was going to be awesome, and he was.  I am very proud of him for stepping out and just going for it.  I might have shed a few tears after.  I was just so proud of him.

Last night I was given another gift.  Morgan got all gussied up for prom.  Wow, what a beauty.  My kids are true gifts.  For now they are my purpose and I am extremely proud of all them.

As I sit here and write this and try to put thoughts down, I can’t help but be hopeful.  For the last six years we have been living on the curve of life.  Now we have a chance to hit the straight away and coast for a while.  There are going to be days where we are sad.  I still turn around to ask her a question.  Sadness is a part of life.  I want to embrace it.  If I was not sad then it would mean that all of it wasn’t worth it, that it didn’t mean something.  She meant everything and so it will be hard, but I would not trade a day of all of it.  It was worth every second.  I want to feel every emotion.  I want to shed every tear.  I want to consume all of it.  That is what life is all about.  It’s about deepest sadness for what we have lost, and in the same instant the pure joy at everything life has to offer.

I really want to thank you all for everything you have done to help us for the last six years.  I don’t know how to do that.  How do you say thank you to so many people who have given you so much.  All I know to say is thank you for letting me love Tammy.  Thank you for giving me so much help that I could lose myself in helping her fight.  Loving her was a gift and something that will be with me for the rest of my life and I am truly grateful to have had the chance to do it.

Our Story

The Last Update for Tammy

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Walk with me; see the green grass, the trees in the breeze.  The ruffle of a feather, the old man on his knees.  Stand, hold my hand, and watch as the sun sets on a time full of high seas and low tides.  Run; run, as we dance to the shimmer of the water.  Hold tight, come close, and sit beside me as we entangle our souls.  Souls bound by endless greed, the need, it started with one seed, bound by time, not ready to be freed.  Lie down, hold tight, sleep, hold tight.  Dream, hold tight.  Watch, wait, stand, walk, run, keep up, hold on, and dance to the strings that play in my heart.  Laugh till we cry, love forever more; live, until we die.

I have loved the first paragraph of this since I wrote it New Year’s Eve three years ago.  The title is “The Lucky Ones.”  I have always felt that it encompasses so well how we have lived our lives together.  From the first day I touched her hand I knew I would never let it go, and if I had to guess, out of twenty-two years together we have been apart less than a hundred days.  When I read that paragraph I read it with a pretty fast cadence.  To me it is the urgency of my love and passion coming out, but also it was the speed that Tammy lived life.  Tammy lived life like the grand finale’ on the Fourth of July.  Fireworks going off everywhere.  She had a fire in her that I sometimes had a hard time keeping up with.  If you need proof you need not look any further than our two oldest kids who happen to be the same age for a month and a half every year.  Yes, we had two one year old’s.  Then a two and a one year old, and then a three, two, and one year old.  I was pretty sure we were going to give Lanelle, our Parents as Teachers person, a heart attack.  Every time she was scheduled I was afraid she was going to cancel because she was afraid Tammy was going to tell her she was pregnant again.  Tammy didn’t miss a beat though.  She loved them all so much that she wanted another one six years later.

If I had to pin one word on Tammy it would be passionate.  She did everything with passion.  There was never much of a middle ground with her.  If it was sports, she practiced hard and played harder.  As a teacher, she was going to give you everything you needed to be successful.  Then she was going to love and care enough about you, to make you believe in yourself.  She always loved the underdog because she took the time to see the potential that they had.  She taught them to never give up on themselves, because no matter what, they knew that Tammy would never give up on them.  Some of you listening right now are one of those people, and I assure you, Momma Bear is still watching over you, and when times get tough that voice in your head will say, never give up, never give up.

Tammy took on cancer just like she took on everything else.  She took each step and attacked it with passion.   As I would look down the road she would stay laser focused on whatever was right in front of her.  Tammy was never known for her defense on the basketball court.  She was known for her offense, and so she went on the offensive and attacked it.  She fought it with every ounce of strength that she had.  I will never tell you that Tammy lost her battle with cancer.  She beat it every step of the way.  She beat it with her attitude.  She beat it with her heart, her courage, and most of all she beat it with her smile.  She smiled every day including the last day.

How do you sum up someone’s life in a few short words?  I feel I have lost my eloquence.  I miss her dearly already.  The only thing I can think to do is leave you with a final story.  The kids and I were lucky that we were able to spend a good amount of time with Tammy. Can you picture the five of us all sitting around Tammy’s bed, each of us touching her somewhere? We had been there for a while and I thought we needed a little break so I asked each of them to tell a corny joke and we would pick a winner.  The winner was Kylee with, “What do Romans use to cut their Pizza?”  Answer:  “Little Caesars.”  We all had a good chuckle.  Throughout our conversations I have been telling them that it is ok to be sad, it is ok to be mad, but it is also ok to be happy.  After a while I asked each of them to tell me their favorite thing about Mom.  Tanner said that she never gives up on anyone.  Kylee said she loves her strength. Morgan said her good attitude.  Tucker said just being her.  Mine was her big heart, she always had room for everyone.  My response to them was then go be that.  If mom never gives up on anyone then believe in everyone.  If you love how strong mom was, then go be strong.  If you loved her attitude then always have a good attitude.  If her heart was big enough for everyone then open yours.  Tucker’s was a summation of all of them.  If you loved who your mom was, then go be like her.

My message to all of you is the same.  On this very tough day, it is ok to cry.  It is ok to be mad, but also it is ok to be happy and celebrate Tammy’s life.  I will also ask you the same question.  What did you love about Tammy?  Then I will tell you that the way to keep Tammy alive in all of us, the way to keep her in our heart, is to take everything that we love about her and give it to someone else in our lives.  Give her to the world and let her live though eternity.

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Tammy’s Obituary

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My favorite picture.

Tamyra (Tammy) Thaxton , 45, of Salina, passed away Wednesday, April 11, 2018. She was born August 19, 1972, in Denver CO, to Marvin and Karen (Miller) Mann. She married Casey Thaxton on June 1, 1996.  Tammy spent her life in service as a mother, teacher, coach, mentor, and care giver to our community.

She graduated from Southeast of Saline High School, Barton County Community College and Bethany College where she was inducted into the Hall Of Honor.

She is survived by: her husband, Casey Thaxton;  children, Tanner Thaxton, Kylee Thaxton, Morgan Thaxton, and Tucker Thaxton.  Her parents: Marvin and Karen Mann of Assaria, KS.  Her siblings: Shelly Mann (Annette Wiles) of Lawrence, KS, Jason Mann of Salina, KS.  In laws: Rob and Mary Thaxton of Las Animas, CO.  Brother and sister in laws: Brent and Sheri Thaxton of Las Animas, CO.  Nieces: Ava Mann and Kelsey Thaxton, Nephew: Justin Thaxton, and a great niece Kimber Carter. As well as many close friends and relatives.

Visitation will be 1-8 p.m. Monday, April 16, at Ryan Mortuary, Salina, with family present from 6-8 p.m.

Services will be at 2 p.m. Tuesday, April 17, at The First Covenant Church,  2625 East Mangnolia Road, Salina KS  with Steve Gowin officiating. Burial will follow at Gypsum Hill Cemetery, Salina.

Memorials may be made to the Thaxton Children’s Education Fund, in care of Ryan Mortuary, 137 N. Eighth St., Salina 67401.

Family Picture
Our Story

April 2018 Update for Tammy-The Speed of Sound In Slow Motion

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The sound it makes as it flows so fast past your ear, the whistle,  the whisper, the roar not of how fast it is moving but the sound as it is slowed down, so slow you can’t understand what it means, what it is trying to tell you, the boom, so low and slow that it is just vibrations rattling though your soul.  It is the whisper that providence is in motion.  Time is an illusion.  It is what it is, not what aught to be.

I want to thank you all for you patients as you have waited for me to tell you what is going on.  It has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, back and forths,  and side to sides.  It seems forever ago that I told you that we were heading to MD Andersen.  Blood clots, pneumonia, hoping for a plane ride.  As it turned out we found what would keep Tammy from going.  In usual Tammy fashion she now had a goal.  It was a plane sitting on a runway to get her to Houston.  The doctors were finally getting the pain tolerable and she was getting more movement in her leg.  She was winding up her engine that says I will not be beat.  I will get there.

Tuesday morning as she was trying to move up in bed she heard a loud pop.  After an x-ray it was determined that she had a pathological fracture of he left humorous.  She was in a lot of pain.  Once again the doctor set out to get her pain under control.  At that point we had to start with the hard decisions.  Are we going to MD?

After some very big questions had to be asked and answered she decided that she was not going to try and get to Houston.  Pain management went in a different direction.  A pain pump was brought in and as her bone started to heal what it could, and the pain medicine started to work better, she slowly started to come back to us.

Sunday her comment was that this is the best I have felt in a month.  Tammy can attract a crowd and she spent all day Sunday with friends and family.  We can always tell when she is feeling better.  We all chuckle as drillmaster/coach Mom starts to take charge.  We all went to sleep with a positive thoughts.

Early Monday morning the tide changed.  She woke up with a big headache, nausea, and vomiting.  The nurses were able to get her settled down after a time and she has been sleeping all day.  No one knows what is actually going on.  Speculation is that there is a tumor in her brain that is causing problems.  At this point surgery is out of the question because of the risks for everyone involved.  She is resting comfortably and as much as we can tell her pain is tolerable.

I have a few thoughts that keep flashing through my head as I try to get through this update.  The first is miracles, the second is gratitude, and the third is sunshine.

No matter what happens Tammy is a miracle.  Six and a half years ago no one would bet a penny that I could kiss her on the forehead last night.  I did kiss her on the forehead and I am grateful that I could.

I am grateful for everyone around me.  Which is a very big circle that includes all of you.  The last two weeks has been chocked full of really, really hard decisions.  I have had to lean on some very special people to get through them all.  I am humbled by their generosity, caring, and love.

As I close this I want you to have sunshine on your brain.  I want your thoughts to be about Tammy snapping her fingers to know which way was right and which way was left because she could only snap one of them.  I want you to remember her stomping her foot in the coaches box because that is what good coaches do.  I want you to remember that day that no one else believed in you, but Tammy did.  I want you to remember that day that she touched you with her ray of sunshine,

and then I want you to go out into your day and touch some else with it.

Our Story

March 2018 Update for Tammy- When It Hurts Too Much to Hug

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The hardest part about these updates it how to get started.  After six and a half years of doing these I still wonder, do you start with the good news, then the bad.  Maybe warm up with how the weather has been with a little family stuff mixed in.  A funny story, a sad one, I don’t know so I just started writing my thoughts.  My thoughts are on Tammy so I will start there.

About three weeks ago Tammy’s oncologist decided that the chemo she was on was not working good enough for her.  We knew this was coming.  Everyone was trying to milk every last bit of goodness out of it before we gave up on it.  It really hasn’t been stopping anything but we had some evidence that it was slowing it down.  Every one agreed that it was time to get serious about looking for a clinical trial.  We found out that MD Anderson had something that Tammy could possibly get in so we scheduled appointments and made flight arrangements to head down there today (Saturday).  In the meantime Tammy would continue with a couple more radiation treatments to her spine to try to help with the pain that is still radiating down her left leg.  This past Monday Tammy was not feeling well and having trouble breathing.  She went in and they did an x-ray of her chest and it was determined that she had pneumonia in there.  She was placed on full-time oxygen along with breathing treatments and antibiotics.  Tuesday she was going to go ahead and try to have her radiation, but her left leg was hurting pretty bad.  The doctor examined the leg and decided that she needed a sonogram done which revealed that she has a nice blood clot in her left leg, and most likely some of it has traveled to her lungs and settled there.

Needless to say on Thursday I went scrambling to try to change Houston appointment, flights and hotels as a trip this week probably wasn’t going to happen.  Tammy stayed in bed Thursday and Friday.  Here pain in her left leg was getting worse.  They say that blood clots are very painful,  after the last two days I tend to agree with them.  This morning Tammy had enough.  She was breaking through all of the pain meds that she is already on.  So instead of an update from Houston that I was hoping to hold out for, we are at the Salina twenty-four hour spa and hospital, trying to find a way to control her pain so that we can get down to Houston next weekend to try to get into a phase 1 trial.  The staff here has been working all day trying different things to make it manageable.  We are trying to stay with things that she can travel with, so that rules out pumps and stuff like that.   It will be a big plus if they can get her off of her oxygen.  Her leg hurts enough that she hasn’t been walking.  So we were trying to figure out how I was going to push her through the airport while dragging her oxygen.  We will get all of the semantics worked out.  Our goal right now is that she is fit to travel next Friday.  If I know Tammy there will probably not be a whole lot that will stop her as long as her pain is under control.

I don’t pretend to be a relationship guru.  I feel that I am just a scribe that the universe has picked.  It has allowed me to feel its energy and find meaning where there seems to be none.  Tammy is the teacher and I am merely a willing student.  I have learned so much from her the last six years.  Life looks and feels different.  If you have ever read, “The Five Love Languages,” you know that touch is one of the languages.  It happens to be mine.  I get up every morning with energy burning at my fingertips.  My purpose for the day is to give all of my energy away.  I do this by touching, my motto is to never let a good hug go to waste, and I have always given most of it to Tammy.  Tammy knows this and has always been a good sport about it.  I could give her a back rub for hours and I love her bald head.  She has given me a hard time about rubbing every last hair off her head because I could rub up there  for hours and not get tired of it.  So for the last year and a half I have been in a quandary.  If I touch her it hurts and so here we are, when it hurts too much to hug. Tammy knows I want and need to touch her, so she lets me hug her anyway.  No matter how much it hurts her, she lets me touch her.  Over time we have both modified how we touch.  She braces for impact and I just hover close.  Letting my heat and energy envelop her while I gently touch her cheek with mine.  Most of the time that is not enough for me, so when I lay down next to her in bed I gently hold her arm or hand until all of my energy is gone and I slowly fall asleep.

I am sure that was a touching story but that was the background for a much larger thought.  Sometimes the most important thing is not the story, it is the metaphor that it opens up to us.  Before a year and a half ago, “when it hurts too much to hug,” would have a totally different meaning.  I am sure it would have included ego, pride, and selfishness.  So what she taught me this time was that no matter how much it’s going to hurt,  we have to let each other in.  We have to let the energy flow.  We have to set our ego aside,  we have to swallow our pride, and most important we have to hug them, not because it is not painful for us, but because it is what they need.   We have to keep loving through the pain.

She keeps loving me everyday, I can’t ask for anymore than that.

I hope you all have a wonderful and love filled Easter.  Fill your baskets with the sweetness of love and give them to everyone you come into contact with.  Love you all!

 

Our Story

February 2018 Update for Tammy-Per Servitium Esse In Caritate

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Another month has flown by.   Tammy has had a decent month.  She was able to have a two-week break from radiation everyday, which was very good for her.  She gained some strength both physically and mentally.  The doctors were hoping for a longer break but Tammy’s pain started to ramp up.  She has several small lesions on her spine.  They are located in places that are affecting nerves.  At first it was pain radiating out to her shoulders.  Radiation has helped with that pain, but in the interim, pain has started to wrap down her legs to her knees.  It’s the same story as a nerve has been affected.  hopefully next week she will get to start radiating that one to hopefully give her some relief.  The status quo has been maintained.  We are still chasing.

I feel compelled to tell you a story.  With my new job and the location of our new house, I am able to come home for lunch every day.  I love it.  I have never had that opportunity on a regular basis before.  Tammy’s radiation has been around lunchtime for quite a while.  So when I come home I get to help her get ready.  It hurts for her to do many things that we take for granted, so I do things such as get her cloths, put pain patches on and help her get dressed.  This past week, as I got down on my knees to help her with her shoes and socks, I had a thought pop into my head.  “So this is what it means to serve.”  You have to understand that when I come home from work for lunch I am pretty hyped up from being very busy.  By the time I get to the shoes, I have calmed down.  My revelation was a combination of what was calming me and the deep meaning of what I was actually doing.

I have tried many times in the last week to find a definition of “service” that applies to what I have been thinking.  I can’t find one.  So I made one up in Latin.  Per servitium esse in caritate.  To be of service through love.  Most of the time when we help our spouses it is tied to some sort of expectation.  If you help me do this I will help you do that.  This week I realized that I was calm because I help Tammy with no expectation.  I do it because I love her.  I do it because I want to, not because I have too.

So as I sat there on my knees looking up at her my thoughts we also tinged with a bit of sadness.  You see, usually everyday I take her breakfast in bed.  It takes a while for her pain meds to kick in and she needs to eat something with them.  I usually bring all of her meals to her because if she is in a spot where she is not hurting she doesn’t want to move.  My sadness came from the thought of, “why did she have to be in so much pain before I realized the happiness and calmness that came from simply serving her through love?”  Why did it take me 21 years to realize this.  How many breakfast in bed have I missed because there was nothing in it for me.  How many times did I give a big sigh after she asked me to help her find her cloths.  I realized that serving through love is not a transaction in the sense that If I provide her this, she will provide me that.  To me this was profound.  My calmness came from the lack of expectation.  I help her because I can.  I help her because she needs me.  She has needed me for twenty-one years.  I had simply failed her because of my expectation that somehow she would pay me back.

Someday, life will get back to normal.  We all will be better and my hope is that when we do something for one another it will not be a transaction.  We will simply help each other through love not expectation.  Some times we have to scratch their back, even though we know that they will not scratch ours.  If I find myself in that situation I am just going to smile, and be thankful that I have that opportunity.

Stories

Enough

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I inhale a deep breath of fresh air as I roll down my window.  I have a deep sense of foreboding as I pass through twilight and into the darkness.  As I head west out of town on a cool fall night, all I see is the orange halo of light as the world turns just enough that the volume of its size consumes the last bit of light.  As the light fades I feel the heaviness of life press deeper on my heart.  I slow down and as the breeze blows through my window I try to settle my soul to the beat of the street lights as they pass by.  For me they are the last beacon of hope, for as I pass the last one I can’t help but feel that my life as I know it is over.

As I slow down to turn north onto Blackbend Road, I can’t help but hear the crickets rubbing their wings together.  As I speed up their song begins to increase and decrease in volume as they have congregated and so louder and softer they play.  Once again I adjust my speed.  Once again I match the beat of my heart to the drum beat of nature.  Wondering what cadence I might find my happiness in, a tempo that for no apparent reason,  just is, it just fits.  I near the bend near old man tuckers pond.  The symphony of crickets abates as the thunderous base of the bullfrogs begin to tickle my ear drums.  I slow down and turn into the small clearing where it all began.  I shut my old pickup truck down and try to calm my soul to Kermit’s 5th concerto and the slow tick as my old motor begins to cool down.

As my interruption slowly fades away, the crickets pick up their song and as happens most of the time in nature, find their place in the song of the frogs.  As the frogs sing the base notes the crickets answer with the sweetness of tenor.  In doing so they create a rhythm, a pattern, a cadence for me to breath out with the frogs and in with the crickets.  I settle into the simpleness of darkness.  There is nothing to pull my senses to and fro.  Nothing to amplify my anger, or heighten my sadness, just the rhythms of nature to sooth my soul and ground my thoughts to what is or what ought to be.

What kind of masterpiece would this song be though, if the master did not increase to the tempo and lower the tone.  I sense more than hear as the song changes.  I can’t help but know what comes next.  For tragedy is as much of the song as the love story that created it, and with that thought I come back to reality and begin to contemplate the reason that I am here.  It seems that my love story is over.  We did not drink our poison to die together in our love, we simply flung our poison at each other and our love just simply died.  With that thought I feel my gut clench as the sadness overwhelms me.  I squeeze my eyes shut and try to hold in the waves of emotion as they ebb and flow with the song that is playing out my window.  The conductor brings his song to a climax as one tear finally escapes and I breath deeply to catch my breath.  It catches on the way out and as if the audience was calling for an encore.  I double over once more and can’t hold on any longer.  My sadness flow out of me.  I taste the saltiness of my hopes and dreams as they wash down my face and over my lips.  I let the song play out and as the last note is played I find myself enveloped in the coldness of silence.

I came to this spot for a reason.  Just in front of me is the grassy bank of Tucker’s pond.  In the darkness I imagine the soft green carpet bordered by pillars of cat tails whisking back and forth  in the slight breeze that comes from the south on warm summer days.  I see the two of us sitting on a quilt with our shoes off, laughing at nothing in particular.  Finding our joy not in our surroundings or any particular fragrance, or conversation, but finding our joy just being in the presence of each other.  Our cadence of love was set by the small ripples in the water, as they ran aground gravity pulled them back to seek level and they would make a small whoosh.  Our hearts beat in time with them as we came together in harmony of mind, spirit, and body.  As the sun descended on its arch across to the sea, I found my home.  I found the cure to my sickness of loneliness, and I was happy.

The movie in my head slowly fades and I am left with the darkness that surrounds me.  As the first sliver of the moon begins to rise over the horizon, I am compelled to ask myself what has changed in the last 10 years.  The moon inches higher as I contemplate and I am struck with the immensity of its features in the darkness.  It is the darkness that is allowing me to see the beauty of its light.  I am overcome with an eagerness to try to think about us in our darkness with hopes that I see us in a new light.  After careful contemplation, the full moon crests the horizon and is mirrored in those same ripples of a long time ago.  It’s time to go home.

As I shut my pickup off I hear the familiar tick, tick, tick.  I rest my soul for a second as I contemplate what I want to tell her.  In her quiet anger she has left the porch light on.  It is beckoning me to its light.  From inside my truck I can hear the buzz of the electricity, and feel the tension in my muscles increase as I am nervous to bear my soul.  I quietly open the door and inch my way to the ground.  From here the light looks a thousand miles away, but this is something that I have to do.  I take my first step and just keep going.  I fumble the keys out of my pocket and slowly try to get the right key in the right orientation and get the door unlocked.  I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness as I crack the door and set my foot down on the worn wood floor that has carried us for the last ten years.  I push the sadness away, because I want this space to be filled with the love that it once stood for as I carried her across this same threshold.  I want her to want me as much as I want her.  I push forward and slowly, so as not to make much noise, close the door behind me.

I stand for a moment and look around the living room.  I try to find courage in the moments in our life together.  I see the pictures on the wall.  The couch that we would sit together and watch movies.  I smile a little as I remember that there was always a little more snuggling and a lot less watching movies that always went on.  I remember the long passionate kisses in front of the kitchen sink.  She always loves when I do the dishes.  I think about the spunk that she would give me when I gave her a hard time.  I remember love, a lot of it.  I turn towards the hallway and take another step towards my life.

I turn the last corner and come face to face with our door.  I stop as if to admire the craftsmanship of eighty years ago.  I see the ornate glass handle and the skeleton key hole.  I look at craftsmanship of the six panels and the detail of the trim that they are set in.  I freeze in the moment.  What if she doesn’t want me back?  I start to breathe heavy, sweat begins to build on my forehead, and my knee’s begin to shake a little.  I reach for the handle and in doing so the door begins to rattle as I shake with the fear that not all is right in the world.  I try to settle my self, but am hit with a bolt of lightning as I hear a soft call of, “Jack, is that you?”

I can’t hold it in any longer so I slowly push the door open and take the next step to the rest of my life.  I turn the lamp on and immediately see that she has been crying.  It breaks my heart and I melt to my knees next to her as she lies on the bed.  I gently take her hand in mine as gently look into her eyes.  I look past the almost translucent blue into her soul and see the everything that made me love her in the first place.  For the first time in a while I don’t see the very small part of her that drives me nuts.  I see the thousands of things that she is that were the reasons I fell in love with her in the first place.  I said, “I need to tell you something.”

“I went to Old Tucker’s pond tonight.  I went there with really bad thoughts.”

My eyes started to mist up as I thought about doing the alternative to what I was doing now.  I had to catch my breath as I almost gaged at the thought of how close I was to losing her.  I gently went on.

“As I sat in the darkness, I wondered what had changed in the last ten years.  I wondered why  we so easily fell out of love.”

I choked up as I said the words, and took a deep halting breath as I tried to steel myself to go on.

“There is no doubt that we have both changed in ways, but a whole lot of you that I fell in love with has stayed the same.  The only thing that I can figure out that has changed a lot is our expectations.  We both have expectations of each other, but the ones I’m talking about are the ones that change us.  For some reason I forgot that what I loved about you the most in the beginning is what I let drive me the craziest now.  Somehow I started thinking that you were going to change those things.  I forgot that I loved you because of your big heart.  So when you used the last of the milk for the neighbors kittens I was furious.  Or I forgot that I loved you because you were always willing to stand up for yourself. but when you stood up to me, I no longer loved you for it.”

I choked up on the last sentence and had to catch my breath.  I slowly reached up to wipe away the long tears that were traveling down to her chin.  I brushed he lips in hopes that at some point I would be able to gently kiss her again.  I took a deep breath.

“I don’t know a lot of things, but one thing that I had to realize tonight is that I still love you.  I had to remember all of the little things, the not so great things, and the big things.  I had to remember them all, because they are all of you.  I had to remember that I fell in love with all of you, not just bit and pieces.  I had to remember that spunky girl sitting in the grass smiling at me.  I had to cut out all of my expectations of who I thought you should be, and remember the person that I fell in love with was you.”

At this point we both have tears running.  I pull her close and wrap my arms around her.  I can feel her heart beating, and as the crickets start to sing  again through the open window our hearts pick up their rhythm.  I hug her tightly for a moment and then slowly pull her back so that I can look into the blue.

“what I am trying to tell you is that no matter how much we change, the girl that I fell in love with is still inside of you, and no matter what happens,  you are enough.”

As the frogs from our pond joined in for the finale, I gently pulled her close and kissed her with all of the love and tenderness that I have.